Naked, Naked, Naked: Exposing Myself

I've been thinking more about making nude art, with a goal of submitting for Nude Nite 2013.   It's oddly difficult to imagine taking naked photos of someone.  I have a profile on Model Mayhem and there are plenty of models who are available to do nude shoots in exchange for photos for their portfolio.  Still, it's a pretty weird thought.  I've never actually worked with a model before, although I would love to.  But nakedness makes things weird ("Nice to meet you, this is my first time working with a model, now take off all your clothes!") and also logistically difficult -- I really don't have nearly enough space/light to set up a decent studio in my house, and doing it outside would be potentially... illegal.


Anyway.  Obviously, the easiest and most accessible model would be me.  Boy, that's a thought.  I am very aware of the possiblity of photos with artistic lighting, cropped creatively, that could show nudeness but without showing flabby 45 year old horrors.  (I suppose a portrait of flabby 45 year old horrors might be artistic in itself, but I will leave that particular artistic statement for someone more courageous than I).  I don't hate my body, I really don't, but I'm not happy with how out of shape I am, and the idea of going through tons of photos of myself naked just seems like an exercise in pain.

There are many wonderful things about my loving husband. Sadly, willingness to be photographed naked is not among them.

Then I had the idea of taking a few close-up photos of my vagina.  (When I say "vagina" I am referring to all the various external woman-y bits in the vagina-y region.)  My husband was willing to help me out with this, and stood in as my guest photographer.

Now, I am not unfamiliar with the topography, but I guess I have never really seen my vagina that closely before.  Looking at it in a mirror is a completely different thing.  I was kind of shocked at how completely foreign it looked.

There is no way I could have picked my own vagina out of a photographic line-up.

My plan is to make digital fine art from the photos, possibly layering other photos and/or text.  It would be kind of neat to end up with something so different looking that people would have to stare at it a while to work out where the nudity was.  Subtle vagina.

The funny but somewhat unfortunate thing is, I keep forgetting that plugging my iPod Touch into the computer will automatically bring up iPhoto, which has the default setting of displaying the most recently uploaded photos.  So I'm looking for the new update for Angry Birds, and all of a sudden it's like OMG VAGINA.  Yikes. 

Miscellaneous Funny Stuff

I really, really like this guy's weird little comics: Monday Morning. He's British, and so is his humor (humour?), but I am now a completely addicted sleepy little horror. I don't even get the joke, sometimes, but I always love the weirdness.







Also, a recent post on the Muchedumbre webboard was, I thought, pretty hilarious. (Full credit to author -Fu, who won't ever see this, because he doesn't read blogs. Silly, silly -Fu!)



GodCo® Vagina User's Manual and Technical Guide (with specifications)

Congratulations, sir, on the acquisition of our fine vaginal orifice!

With proper care, this vagina will give you many years of satisfying pleasure*.

This package contains:
1 (one) 1" vagina
1 (one) 3/16" clitoris (4mm metric available on European models)
2 (two) labia majora
2 (two) labia minora
4 (four) parts you won't exactly know what to do with. Do NOT throw these parts away!
1 (one) quart of 10w/40 lubricant
1 (one) decorative storage unit (female)
1 (one) upholstery kit (optional)

Please ensure that all pieces are present prior to use.

WARNING: Never operate this, or any other vagina, while under the influence of alcohol. Doing so may void your warranty and/or self-esteem.

Carefully remove your vagina from its lingerie packaging material and inspect it for functionality. If you notice any discolorations, abrasions or ungainly dangly bits, please return it immediately for a prompt exchange.

Your vagina comes fully assembled from the factory, but it is not unusual for some settling to occur during shipment.


Troubleshooting Your Vagina

Problem: I am unable to identify all the parts.
Solution: You are the exact reason women made us develop this user's manual. Please refer to Figure 3B for a detailed cross-section.

Problem: It doesn't look like I thought it would.
Solution: Purchase our sleek and sexy Velveteen Blindfold (Item #42824). Also available in Pleather. Note: Remember to remove blindfold prior to operating a motor vehicle.

Problem: I am having difficulty causing my new vagina to self-lubricate.
Solution: On a cold day, you may have to leave your car running for a few minutes before driving in order for the essential fluids to circulate throughout the engine. The same principle applies here. From a cold start, please ensure that you provide adequate warm-up time, referred to in the industry as "foreplay". This may take up to 17 (seventeen) hours to fully enact. But your vagina will thank you!

Problem: Whoo-hoo!
Solution: This is not an actual problem. This is the desired result of using the product properly. Feel free to submit your own product testimonial.

Problem: I am really thoroughly dissatisfied with your product in every way. TTFN!
Solution: You are gay. Please return your vagina in its original packaging for a full refund, or credit toward one of our fine penile products.

Problem: After significant use, my vagina now appears to be housing some form of unexpected human offspring.
Solution: This is one of the many hazards of frequent vagina use. Please visit our website for an explanation of your, and our, liability.


Unsolicited Product Testimonials:

"I love your product! I can't get enough! I even collect and trade with my friends!" - Charlie Sheen

"Your product caused me to lose all touch with reality." - Kevin Federline

"Really, I don't think I am your target market." - Richard Simmons

"I have had your product for many years. I fully enjoyed it both times I used it!" - Former President George Herbert Walker Bush

"I am still waiting for your product to arrive, but I am very excited!" - Taylor Hicks

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