Thursday, January 24, 2013


Greg told me today that several people at his job, both co-workers and clients, asked after and expressed sympathy for us and for my mother.  I realized that if I hadn't called my boss on Sunday and told him I would be out a few days, it's entirely possible no one would have noticed.  I kind of assumed he would tell the department I sit in (even though I'm not part of it), but judging by the Oh hey, you're back, where have you been? this morning apparently that didn't happen.

I remember at my old job when I called my boss to tell her my father had passed away, she cried.  Here no one even knows me, really, or anything about what's going on.  I feel pretty adrift a lot of the time at work, being departmentless and kind of alone, but today I really felt lonely.

My mother hasn't gotten out of bed since she went home from the hospital.  My brother and sister haven't gone to see her, both being an hour or more away, and both being busy with medical procedures of their own and looking for an assisted living place for Mom.  Greg says I need to remember that they love her, too, and I can't control everything.  But it just makes me cry to think that there's no one there to be sweet to Mom.

I know she doesn't just need someone to be sweet to her, I know that won't change everything.  She's in pain and she's sad and she doesn't seem to want to be here anymore.

I just can't get over feeling like sitting at a desk working on spreadsheets is so stupid when there's no one to hold Mom's hand.

I don't really understand what's happening and I'm afraid I'm doing the wrong things at the wrong time. Everything seems so potentially important: should I call Mom's nurse and tell her she needs to get Mom up whether she wants to or not?  Should I call my sister and tell her to stop going to church stuff and go see poor Mom now? Should I drive up there myself? Is the fact that I seem to be freaking out more than anyone else a clue that I'm overreacting?

I guess it's possible that my brother and sister will get Mom moved into an assisted living place and she'll settle in there and get stronger.  But it seems like a remote possibility to me right now.