Tuesday, April 7, 2009

New and Improved (?) Laminated List

I looked back over my Laminated List and realized that most (if not all) of those doods would probably not really like me all that much if we were ever to actually meet.

I am pretty positive that Penn Jillette, who seems to be a friendly but agressively outgoing person, would be irritated by my quietness. Dave Navarro, I think, would be turned off by my tattoo-less, piercing-less, implant-less, tan-less, stripper shoes-less self. I'm not too sure if I am ghetto enough for Lil Wayne (I would not have any syrup handy, that's for sure, and if he were to drink any in front of me, we might have a little problem). I suspect that Frank Mir is kind of assy in person, I doubt if we would have anything in common, and I imagine he would be impatient to get away from me. Who the hell knows about Prince, he is really too odd to call. Maybe he would love me, maybe he would hate me, maybe he would love me but act like he hated me.

You know how sometimes you see a person being interviewed on tv, and it just seems like like you'd have chemistry and similar interests, and you feel sure if you ever met you'd really hit it off? Hopefully other people feel that too and it isn't just me being celebrity-obsessed and stalkery.

1) Jeff Goldblum. I have always thought he was very sexy, with a sort of too-smart-for-his-own-good arrogance combined with an erotic smirkiness. I can see us sitting in a cafe by the beach, both of us wearing black pants and black turtleneck sweaters while everyone around us is in cutoffs and flip-flops. We would drink a bottle or two of pinot grigio while eating with our hands; ripping the shells off of shrimp and cracking open crab legs. We'd have long discussions about art, and whether the Futurist movement of 1911 could be accurately described as "punk" (yes, we would ultimately conclude).

2) Seth McFarlane. We would meet in a movie theatre showing The Lion In Winter when I, spotting him sitting alone a couple of rows away, drop my popcorn on him in the manner of Alabama in True Romance. We would share his smuggled bottle of Jack Daniels, he would whisper amusing asides to me in Peter Griffin's voice, and afterwards we'd go out for sushi.

3) Johnny Depp. I know, I know. But seriously, he's just so adorable. How could I NOT get alone with anyone that cute? If his personality is one-third as attractive as his face, he would have to love me.

This actually does make sense, in my head.

4) Keanu Reeves. He is so misunderstood. He has had many heartbreaks, and has such a dark intellect. We would meet in a used bookstore when our hands touched accidentally while reaching for the same copy of Hunter Thompson's Hell's Angels. We'd discuss gonzo journalism, existential philosophy, and I'd ride behind him on his motorcycle. I would understand him like no one ever has before, and we would communicate as two souls joined together on a higher level of consciousness.

5) Adam Carolla. Unlike Penn Gillette, conversationally Adam is just looking for an audience. I get along wonderfully with people like that, as long as I am even slightly interested in what they have to say. Adam would go off on a rant about how stupid traffic laws are, or how unfair building permit requirements are, or he would provide 1,472 hilarious examples from his Loveline days about how ridiculous people are in general. I would nod enthusiastically and interject just often enough to show agreement, but without actually speaking.

The problem with Adam Carolla is that I cannot be attracted to him. At all. Not even a little bit.

Here's the thing: I am an artistic person, and therefore very visual. Years ago, Adam was explaining how much body hair he has (everywhere). He said that, for him, cleaning up with toilet paper after he goes to the bathroom is like trying to get peanut butter out of a shag carpet with a cotton ball.

He is truly the master of the metaphor, but I will never get that image out of my head, and it's not exactly conducive to a sexy moment.

Maybe after a couple of martinis I could make out with him for a while.